That Button

I wish there’s a restart button.

That sentence have echoed in my head for hundreds of time now. I haven’t been able to really think properly.. my head is so cluttered like a baby’s doodles. I just wanna sit still in a corner and sulk some more.

And here I am, sulking, locked myself in my room. Typing. Thinking. I’m typing to help me think.

So.. If it really do exist, would I press that button?

Well, I’m really sick of the lemons that life’s given me.. or maybe more overwhelmed by all the drama that my mind created out of them. But yea, after taking those hits from the people I love the most, I can see how those soap operas are inspired. I lost my faith in people.

I know that it’s not really that bad. They are still the same people who have and will be there for me when I’m down. They are the ones who would (probably) be the first to run when I scream for help. They are still the ones who love me; the ones who made me the person I am today. Now they’re the ones who reminded me that I shouldn’t put my trust on any other human for 100%. No flesh is worthy of that much trust. Disappointment guaranteed.

So.. Having gone through all these heartaches, would I want to press that button?

Hell no.

No matter how many times that button got pressed and reappeared and pressed again, I don’t think it would change the fact that I’m still gonna have to go take in the same shit again, served in different plates.

I slept while thinkdrafting this post.. I realized I’ve been such a bitch these days — all closed, concealed and cold. Reminds me of this scene in the Home Alone 2 where Kevin met the pigeon lady.

L: The man I loved fell out of love with me. That broke my heart. When the chance to be loved came along again, I ran away from it. I stopped trusting people.

K: No offense, but that seems like sort of a dumb thing to do.

L: I was afraid of getting my heart broken again. Sometimes you can trust a person, and then, when things are down, they forget about you.

K: Maybe they’re just too busy. Maybe they don’t forget about you, but they forget to remember you. People don’t mean to forget. My grandfather says if my head wasn’t screwed on, I’d leave it on the school bus.

L: I’m just afraid if I do trust someone, I’ll get my heart broken.

K: I understand. I had a nice pair of rollerblades. I was afraid to wreck them, so I kept them in a box. Do you know what happened? I outgrew them. I never wore them outside. Only in my room a few times.

L: A person’s heart and feelings are very different than skates.

K: They’re kind of the same thing. If you won’t use your heart, who cares if it gets broken? If you just keep it to yourself, maybe it’ll be like my rollerblades. When you do decide to try it, it won’t be any good. You should take a chance. Got nothing to lose.

L: Little truth in there somewhere.

K: I think so. Your heart might still be broken, but it isn’t gone. If it was gone, you wouldn’t be so nice.