Hi there, how do you do?

This line up here has been put in my draft since 1 Nov 2019. As of now, I have 10 drafts in my blog — the oldest one dated back in 2012.

The one I’ve just posted before this, about the passport-making process, has been there since early December 2019, I think. It’s 3 Jan 2020 now. See how I procrastinated? XD~

I started this blog, letting my feelings and thoughts out, regardless of whether the world sees it or not.. but with he attention it received, I became more and more conscious of what I write, and less about what I feel. I write but I’m afraid of showing people how I really feel. Or, rather, I’m afraid to feel what I really feel.

I guess that’s partly why I write less and less.

Gilaaaa part 1 kapan, bikin paspor kapan, jadi udah dari kapan, part 2 nya baru ditulis. (Iya, jadi tadi gue harus refresh dulu, nulis apaan di part 1). Jadi gengs, paspor si bayi unyu udah jadi dari bulan Agustus awal kemarin. Hahaha.. apakah sudah jalan2 keluar negri? Tentu saja belum.

Gue dan suami juga sekalian perpanjang paspor biar ga bolak balik ke kanim, karena kebetulan habis masa berlaku di Q1-2020. Jadi, akhirnya kami tetap harus ngantri online pakai aplikasi ya. Bayinya juga gue daftarin sekalian.. Jaga2 antrian prioritas habis, atau gue kesiangan. Huehe.

Gue milih Kanim Jakpus lagi, karena pengalaman bikin paspor Alice sebelumnya di sana lancar jaya. Prosedur jelas, antrian rapih, fasilitas sangat memadai (ruangan bersih, bangku banyak, ruangan cukup dingin, ada ruang menyusui, area bermain anak). Hal-hal tersebut masih sama, masih memuaskan. Overall oke koq.

Nah, bedanya, kali ini gue nyobain fasilitas antrian prioritas buat si bayi unyu. Kan gue sama bapaknya ngga prioritas yak, jadi kami semacam terpisah antrian gitu: antrian prioritas di Lantai 1, antrian umum di Lantai 2. Hari itu kami cuma bertiga, jadi dengan asumsi harusnya antrian prioritas lebih cepat, kami nunggunya di lantai 1 aja. Waktu itu kalau ngga salah prioritasnya antrinya cuma belasan, sedangkan umum masih sekian ratus nomor. Awalnya kami santai.. tapi koq antrian umum bergerak super cepat. Antrian si bayi segitu2 aja.

Yha maklum sih, bagian umum mungkin ada sekitar 15 meja gitu sekali waktu, sedangkan prioritas cuma.. hemm. 2. Itupun satunya istirahat duluan atau ngurusin hal lain apagimana, pokoknya ngga ngelayanin jadinya.

Kepotong jam makan siang. Kami pergi mamam ke mall terdekat, karena antrian toh masih panjang.

Jam setengah 2 balik lagi ke antrian prioritas. Eh lha masih di situ2 aja.. sedangkan yang umum bergerak super cepat. Beneran rasanya deg2an kyk berharap bisa membelah diri ke lantai atas. Sempat nanya beberapa kali ke orang yang bertugas, katanya bayi unyu cuma 3 orang lagi. Tapi ini gimana kalo kami dipanggil duluan ke atas?

Tidak terjawab.

Sampe akhirnya beneran antrian kami di jalur normal malah dipanggil duluan untuk rekam biometrik. Yasudahlah bhay.

Nah, gue sama suami nomor antriannya berurutan. Jadi.. kami terpisah meja. Dokumen asli dibawa suami, gue gendong Aileen.

Dokumen asli dibawa suami.

Gue gendong Aileen.

Terus gue gimana bikin paspornya? 🤣 Asliiiii gue ngga ngeh sampe dingetin sama bapak petugasnya kalo gue ga bisa difoto kalo sambil pangku anak.

Tapi beneran deh petugas2 kanim jakpus ini helpful bangettt. Bapak yang melayani gue menyarankan gue nunggu pak suami beres, sambil dia manggil orang berikutnya dulu. Daaaann sekalian dokumen Aileen dari antrian bawah diambilin biar diproses di situ juga ❤️. Nah sembari gw nunggu, ada petugas lain yang nawarin gendongin Aileen supaya gue bisa difoto dan rekam biometrik. ❤️

Apakah dia mau digendong orang lain? Tentu saja tidak. Apalagi dia lagi cranky mau tidur siang.. hohoho.

Tapi berkat bantuan bapak ibu petugas kanim, akhirnya proses bikin paspor berjalan lancar tanpa hambatan berarti. Yha biarpun antrian prioritas ternyata ngga terpakai. But it means the regular service is already good, right? 🙂

…and mad.

Help me to think clearly. Emotions aside.

Daunting. Even the thought of it. You contemplate over and over.. consider and reconsider, again and again, if you really REALLY need to talk. I don’t want to nag him too much, you thought. What if he finds me annoying? What if it’s all just in my head? What if I’m just overthinking things? What if I’m just being too sensitive? Maybe it’s the time of the month. Yeah. Maybe it’s my shedding uterus talking. She needs to shut it.

So you shut it.

The voice is still there though. Through many many moons later, the voice is still there. It didn’t go down the stream along with the uterus lining.

It builds up somewhere inside.. little by little.. agglomerating to a loud cry. Sometimes, or most, with tears. Sadly, even the cry and the tears are seldom there. It’s just.. silence.

The mother knows, though. She knows. It’s a familiar face. A familiar silence. She knows it too well.

Karma, she said. You need to stop it before it’s too late. You have daughters now. Don’t be like me. Don’t let your daughters be like you. Stand your ground, speak up.

But.. how do you speak up? Where does one even begin?

I screenshot this from one of my friend’s igstory. It’s an interesting perspective and very well put, i think.

Been taking my body for granted all these time.. didn’t quite appreciate it enough; even after it bore 2 beautiful healthy babies. Should really start taking better care of you. ❤

A little overwhelmed.

Feels like there’s a lot to do but i’m not doing much.

I need a checklist.

Omg that’s another line to the to do list in my head!

Oh, hi! Hello! I’ve upgraded my website! It’s for.. uh.. no real reason. Huehe. I’m still gonna rant and write random stuff here.. and maybe, hopefully, share something useful in between. BUT this time around I’m just gonna be random.

So, I’ve been working where I’m at now for maybe a little more than 5 years in total. I’ve seen people come and go; colleagues within and outside my department, and even my bosses. I’ve worked under, uh, maybe 5 different superiors (even though I haven’t moved anywhere. Still here. Same position. Same corner. Gotta admit this is my warm little comfort zone).

Why haven’t I moved elsewhere? KARENA AKU GEREGETAN. Gimana yak. People said we shouldnt get emotionally invested in our job, that we should keep moving forward and pursue our career. Honestly, i think the career path is pretty wide open here, but again that’s not my main reason. I think there are lots and lots of things that I can (and need to) improve there. Particularly the data bank. And it annoys me so much that not a lot of people share the same urgency. Most kinda belittled it. It seems trivial, maybe. It seemingly needs almost no thinking. Minimum ‘analytical’ work. ‘Just’ data entry. Well.. uh.. how do i say this..

Mau pake program secanggih apapun kalo databasenya ngga rapi dan ngga update ya tetep aja hasilnya ngga oke, yes?

For the machine to learn, it needs to be taught first.
How are you going to teach the machine if you have no freakin idea how to structure or even read your own data? Hello?

Randomness. End.

It’s just one of those days. I’m pretty sure once i quit my job i’m going to forget all of these right away. But right now i really want to detangle this mess.

No, no. Right now i wanna go back home and cuddle with my babies!! 🥰🥰

Aaand its April! Haha! Such a long time without updates. To be honest, I was in such a dark place last year, emotionally. Kinda closed myself and gotten worse. Thankfully I managed to pull it together and get back up.

Well, here are some updates:

• I gave birth to my second baby earlier this year.. a beautiful chubby little girl. Her name is Aileen! 🙂
• Travelled abroad with Alice and hubby’s family
• Lost my mother in law due to sickness 😦
• Currently on maternity leave
• Definitely going back to work in a couple of weeks
• Emotionally much better and at peace.. although having a little toddler and an infant did have some impact. But i’m nowhere near depressed.. i’m pretty chill actually.
• Physically not so bad after baby no.2.. thankfully healthy and thriving.
• Breastfeeding and loving it.. aiming to do it for a full year (or two)
• Considering to do other meaningful things outside of office and home duties.. but yet to figure out what it’s gonna be (please pray for me)
• In pursuit of the above, I’m trying (again) to update my blog with more meaningful posts. Hopefully something that other people may find useful.. and probably in Indonesian language 🙂

Gonna need to draft something else soon. Throw me some ideas!