I killed myself

I killed myself in my dream.

There, it feels like the logical thing to do.

My soul floats above my lifeless body, with no regret.

“Could’ve been done sooner.” — it shrugged and left.

Then I woke up with my usual alarm: my kids.

All is well.

Honestly it is. Mentally, physically, emotionally okay. I’m smiling as I write this. I’m at peace.

Well of course there are things that I stress about on a daily basis.. future preps n all. It’s 1:20am and i’m still up.. there are projects and plans to think about, for a better life.. But i’m happy.. i’m quite content with what I have on hand.

I am so loved and so in love.

Thank You, God, for this beautiful family.. they’re precious to me. Please take good care of them.

Daily gratitude

Both kids are taking a long nap. I am so grateful.

I woke up at the wrong side of the bed. Everything felt awful from the time I opened my eyes in the morning although nothing was wrong.

Oh, well, my baby peed the bed and I had to get up at 3am to change everything. But other than that things are okay.

Yet still I dreaded everything..

But now my babies are napping. And I am so thankful for this chance to rest.

RIP George Floyd

This is the first video I’ve watched on the death of George Floyd after hearing it so many times. I don’t know him in any way, but it really breaks my heart to see him killed for nothing. He said he couldn’t breathe at least 16 times in 5 minutes but the police officers didn’t listen. This is such a distressing news. T___T

“We found that all four officers committed what experts said was a series of fatal actions. At least three of them were putting pressure on George Floyd’s neck, torso and legs at one point, something that likely compressed his chest and made it hard for him to breath and for blood to reach his brain. They never monitored his health, and none of them decided enough was enough and to stop. They did this even though bystanders repeatedly warned them that Floyd had become unconscious and they were possibly killing him. Floyd himself told officers he couldn’t breath 16 times in 5 minutes.” — Evan Hill, The New York Times

Rest in peace, George Floyd

But I still don’t think the riot that follows the protest is justified though. What’s the looting for??? It makes me mad seeing those irresponsible people taking advantage of the situation. ARGH!

Embracing the day

There were days when even carrying out a normal routine was so hard. It’s like a lonely battle, with no one else to help, so you had to drag yourself around and get stuff done.

Sometimes it’s so bad you thought you could breakdown any moment, and you actually look forward to that. Just let me lay down and die, or something. At least that’s a break. That would be great. You need that pause. Or stop. Whichever is available.

You know what, you think too highly of yourself! Everything will be okay. The world will not come tumbling down when you rest. They will manage.

It’s not that you’re not necessary. It would be better if you’re around. And that’s the point. You’re needed for a loooong time. Not just today. At your prime. So survive.. Live long and prosper. Take care of yourself better.

It’s okay to stay still for a bit. That pause you needed, that little rest you long for, it is just a sentence away. You just need to say it. They got your back.

For me, today everything falls into place just right. Everything seems managable. Everything is okay. It’s not perfect, so far from perfect, but it’s okay. It’s lovely this way. God, I’m so grateful. Let it stay this way.

So let me remind myself while I’m here, on a regular so so day, that things will be okay..

I am immensely loved. I am so blessed.

Hi, how are you?

Something reminds me of you..

Somewhere along my thoughts, I just can’t help feeling very grateful that our paths crossed. We didn’t even talk or hang out that much outside the organisational activities, but I’m glad I got to know you and your beautiful souls.

We barely kept in touch since then, but I hope someday somewhere we’ll meet again. I’d love to hear your story.

Continue reading

11th anniversary

… with wordpress! Woohoo!

I won’t say it’s an achievement.. not much good has come up since then. Barely any traffic, nevermind monetizing it, i don’t even commit to once a month post. 🙄
But having this space to write on is something to be grateful for. Oh and I have a domain of my own! That’s something. 😁

Hopefully some of the things that I wrote is useful to you in some ways. Entertaining at least. Thank you so much for visiting and reading 🙂

Random update

Hi there, how do you do?

This line up here has been put in my draft since 1 Nov 2019. As of now, I have 10 drafts in my blog — the oldest one dated back in 2012.

The one I’ve just posted before this, about the passport-making process, has been there since early December 2019, I think. It’s 3 Jan 2020 now. See how I procrastinated? XD~

I started this blog, letting my feelings and thoughts out, regardless of whether the world sees it or not.. but with he attention it received, I became more and more conscious of what I write, and less about what I feel. I write but I’m afraid of showing people how I really feel. Or, rather, I’m afraid to feel what I really feel.

I guess that’s partly why I write less and less.

Permohonan Paspor Bayi part 2

Gilaaaa part 1 kapan, bikin paspor kapan, jadi udah dari kapan, part 2 nya baru ditulis. (Iya, jadi tadi gue harus refresh dulu, nulis apaan di part 1). Jadi gengs, paspor si bayi unyu udah jadi dari bulan Agustus awal kemarin. Hahaha.. apakah sudah jalan2 keluar negri? Tentu saja belum.

Gue dan suami juga sekalian perpanjang paspor biar ga bolak balik ke kanim, karena kebetulan habis masa berlaku di Q1-2020. Jadi, akhirnya kami tetap harus ngantri online pakai aplikasi ya. Bayinya juga gue daftarin sekalian.. Jaga2 antrian prioritas habis, atau gue kesiangan. Huehe.

Gue milih Kanim Jakpus lagi, karena pengalaman bikin paspor Alice sebelumnya di sana lancar jaya. Prosedur jelas, antrian rapih, fasilitas sangat memadai (ruangan bersih, bangku banyak, ruangan cukup dingin, ada ruang menyusui, area bermain anak). Hal-hal tersebut masih sama, masih memuaskan. Overall oke koq.

Nah, bedanya, kali ini gue nyobain fasilitas antrian prioritas buat si bayi unyu. Kan gue sama bapaknya ngga prioritas yak, jadi kami semacam terpisah antrian gitu: antrian prioritas di Lantai 1, antrian umum di Lantai 2. Hari itu kami cuma bertiga, jadi dengan asumsi harusnya antrian prioritas lebih cepat, kami nunggunya di lantai 1 aja. Waktu itu kalau ngga salah prioritasnya antrinya cuma belasan, sedangkan umum masih sekian ratus nomor. Awalnya kami santai.. tapi koq antrian umum bergerak super cepat. Antrian si bayi segitu2 aja.

Yha maklum sih, bagian umum mungkin ada sekitar 15 meja gitu sekali waktu, sedangkan prioritas cuma.. hemm. 2. Itupun satunya istirahat duluan atau ngurusin hal lain apagimana, pokoknya ngga ngelayanin jadinya.

Kepotong jam makan siang. Kami pergi mamam ke mall terdekat, karena antrian toh masih panjang.

Jam setengah 2 balik lagi ke antrian prioritas. Eh lha masih di situ2 aja.. sedangkan yang umum bergerak super cepat. Beneran rasanya deg2an kyk berharap bisa membelah diri ke lantai atas. Sempat nanya beberapa kali ke orang yang bertugas, katanya bayi unyu cuma 3 orang lagi. Tapi ini gimana kalo kami dipanggil duluan ke atas?

Tidak terjawab.

Sampe akhirnya beneran antrian kami di jalur normal malah dipanggil duluan untuk rekam biometrik. Yasudahlah bhay.

Nah, gue sama suami nomor antriannya berurutan. Jadi.. kami terpisah meja. Dokumen asli dibawa suami, gue gendong Aileen.

Dokumen asli dibawa suami.

Gue gendong Aileen.

Terus gue gimana bikin paspornya? 🤣 Asliiiii gue ngga ngeh sampe dingetin sama bapak petugasnya kalo gue ga bisa difoto kalo sambil pangku anak.

Tapi beneran deh petugas2 kanim jakpus ini helpful bangettt. Bapak yang melayani gue menyarankan gue nunggu pak suami beres, sambil dia manggil orang berikutnya dulu. Daaaann sekalian dokumen Aileen dari antrian bawah diambilin biar diproses di situ juga ❤️. Nah sembari gw nunggu, ada petugas lain yang nawarin gendongin Aileen supaya gue bisa difoto dan rekam biometrik. ❤️

Apakah dia mau digendong orang lain? Tentu saja tidak. Apalagi dia lagi cranky mau tidur siang.. hohoho.

Tapi berkat bantuan bapak ibu petugas kanim, akhirnya proses bikin paspor berjalan lancar tanpa hambatan berarti. Yha biarpun antrian prioritas ternyata ngga terpakai. But it means the regular service is already good, right? 🙂